A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd, when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
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Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and
Donnie.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. 'Two
hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it
to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?'
Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
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Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar on the top floor of a New York skyscraper. While he's sipping his drink, another man approaches him. He looks like an average guy; suit, tie, glasses, and he's pretty drunk.
"Hey," says the guy. "I'll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in." The man points to an open window not far off.
Peter looks at the man like he's crazy. "No thanks, I think I'll just sit and enjoy my drink." The man shrugs and wanders off.
About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he's even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he's starting to slur. "Hey," he says. "I'll give you...five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in."
Now Peter is getting irritated. "No, please leave me alone." The man shrugs and wanders off again.
Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he's REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there's a burn hole in his suit, and he's wearing his tie around his head. "Hey, I'll giff you five...hic.....THOUSAND dollerz to jub' out 'at window.....and jum' baggin."
Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. "Tell you what," he says. "You do it first and I'll do it for free."
The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, "If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can." So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.
The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself. The bartender looks at him and says "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e-m y-t e s t-r e s u l t s-b a c k ? '
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I was having trouble with my computer So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked
him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little kid.
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
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A man is going to anger management classes and he cannot contain his anger.
So, he asks his wife, "How do you stay so calm and not fight back when we have our arguments?"
The wife says is return, "I clean the toilets."
Then the husbands asks "How does that help anything?"
The wife turns to him and says "I use your toothbrush!"
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A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Policeman
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Policeman fumed, 'What's with those guys? We have been waiting for fifteen
minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman yelled out 'Get moving, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper, maybe he can
do something about this'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these
brave souls'
The Policeman said, 'Why the hell don't they play at night?'
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A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant.
The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was.
After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
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